I really feel like a Jody slave right now. I sit here and wait on my next task to be given to be by mi mister and nothing else seems to matter. Meanwhile the fury is building and building and building. Does he really even see me as a person or am I like the crutch that he calls and whatever he wants he gets. Here it is a holiday and first thing he does is go work on his project. As he does every other day that he is off from his reg govt job. I mean I was in the mindset before that he was just doing it all the time so that he could get it done and then not worry about it. Now its starting to fester in the gray matter that even after its done he will still come up with things to keep between he us. Jesus is this all in my mind. I just need to go and get help.
If I sit in this house and stare at the walls and wait for someone to want to be out and having fun with me I think I may start to scream. Fuck it all really. Single life was so much less complicated and fun.

Soooo...Yeah

Well its been a while and its been up and down, up and down, up and down.  I am so sick from the ebb and flow of my life right now. Dealing with someone betraying you and all their flaws along with all yours is very tiring. It seems though I am the only one of the unit that wants to deal with anything.  Jesus I hate people that wine and I am starting to hate myself because I am becoming that chick.
Why have I let my life turn into this steaming pile of void? Blah, Blah, Blah......I've become boredom.  Well fuck that....time to take it back. On the real.....I'm tired of staring at the walls waiting on someone to realize my worth. Tired of being a slave to a man that will not appreciate the little things (and the HUGE blaring ones) that I constantly do for him. Mostly I am tired of passing the same fucking cow pasture everyday on my way to the house....I hate the country!  Hahahhahah!
BCF

Musings and Observations .....Yeah or something like that.

9:00pm........ Cheaters are the scum of the earth. Dealing with one and the aftermath should earn ever man and woman that has had to endure it a spot in heaven. No really it should.  The gaul some people have to do that to another person is just .....Urgh! I see why people snap and kill their significant others.  My best girl homie says that I should run out on him and do it myself. Nah that's a negative.com I would never do that to anyone no matter what. Its stupid and just beneath me. 

Final thought on it??  Cheaters are assholes.  Yeah that should be a T-shirt.

BCF

TBC Take 6 and shove it.

12:04am...............Friday morning and I have no class today and I am more than grateful for that.  My mind is bogged down with math and anatomical models.  Its still stuck in translation mode from the African professor with 6 degrees one a medical mind you, and the lecture that was the beginning of the end.  I am enjoying going to class though.  I love being back in school I just want so badly to do well, extremely well for my guy.  I mean he is footing the bill totally out of pocket.  If I don't get A's I will feel guilty as hell. 

That is issue one......the second and the one that persists is the fact that he thinks I am disgustingly fat.  "I want you to work on getting a body that we can both love"  his words.  Welcome home eating disorder.  I over think every single thing that I eat now.  Every minute of my day is a question of is he watching me eat, Is he looking at my stomach, Who is he texting now, which one.  Jezz i am so screwed up. 

TBCF - Skool Again

1:45pm.................   So today I registered for school.  *listens for applause*  *crickets* Well no I didn't exoect fanfare but maybe a "go on girl"  (*lol as in In Living Color skit from the 90's*).  Anyway, I've already been to college one time around and have a degree that has done abso nothing for me.  Now I decide to go at this again.  Older and scared isn't really summing this up right.  I am terrified.  Math???  Omg the Dragon that will slay me.  Yep Algebra.  I think this is payback for all the times I said..."Its only one semester I wont ever need this again."

Yeah the placement test sid yeah you need it again.  What the hell am I doing???

BC

TBCF- Hmmmmmmmm

2:13 am.......................Contemplating the fact that I need an all over life change.  If I am honest with myself I would look in the mirror and tell myself that I have kinda been a failure to this point.  Not in the Epic Fail sense of the word, but more like I failed at take one.  My life up until now has been me painting myself into a corner.  Now maybe i have a small windo behind me where I can crawl out and go bact to the front.  I am laughing right now cause that's real deep huh??  *scarcasm*

Oh God I have turned in to an emotional idiot!!

BCF- Musings on the last Couple Days

3:15am........."You know he's never gonna marry you." 

(what I should have replied) -  Ok yeah I know that he is never gonna marry me.  I am as sure of that as I am that he will never stop texting other girls and that he will never ever tell me the while truth. 

"Really?  Why are you ok with that?  Why can you tolerate him talking like that to other women and having them send him pictures and cards and things.  You have never been the one girl."

(what I should have replied)  -  I have no freaking clue.  I love him is way to stupid and overused an excuse but hell as many times as I have laughed and joked about stupid females that live like that here I am in the hot seat.

"Wait he told you that you needed to loose how much weight!!"

(what I should have respo