TBC Take 6 and shove it.

12:04am...............Friday morning and I have no class today and I am more than grateful for that.  My mind is bogged down with math and anatomical models.  Its still stuck in translation mode from the African professor with 6 degrees one a medical mind you, and the lecture that was the beginning of the end.  I am enjoying going to class though.  I love being back in school I just want so badly to do well, extremely well for my guy.  I mean he is footing the bill totally out of pocket.  If I don't get A's I will feel guilty as hell. 

That is issue one......the second and the one that persists is the fact that he thinks I am disgustingly fat.  "I want you to work on getting a body that we can both love"  his words.  Welcome home eating disorder.  I over think every single thing that I eat now.  Every minute of my day is a question of is he watching me eat, Is he looking at my stomach, Who is he texting now, which one.  Jezz i am so screwed up. 

TBCF - Skool Again

1:45pm.................   So today I registered for school.  *listens for applause*  *crickets* Well no I didn't exoect fanfare but maybe a "go on girl"  (*lol as in In Living Color skit from the 90's*).  Anyway, I've already been to college one time around and have a degree that has done abso nothing for me.  Now I decide to go at this again.  Older and scared isn't really summing this up right.  I am terrified.  Math???  Omg the Dragon that will slay me.  Yep Algebra.  I think this is payback for all the times I said..."Its only one semester I wont ever need this again."

Yeah the placement test sid yeah you need it again.  What the hell am I doing???

BC

TBCF- Hmmmmmmmm

2:13 am.......................Contemplating the fact that I need an all over life change.  If I am honest with myself I would look in the mirror and tell myself that I have kinda been a failure to this point.  Not in the Epic Fail sense of the word, but more like I failed at take one.  My life up until now has been me painting myself into a corner.  Now maybe i have a small windo behind me where I can crawl out and go bact to the front.  I am laughing right now cause that's real deep huh??  *scarcasm*

Oh God I have turned in to an emotional idiot!!

BCF- Musings on the last Couple Days

3:15am........."You know he's never gonna marry you." 

(what I should have replied) -  Ok yeah I know that he is never gonna marry me.  I am as sure of that as I am that he will never stop texting other girls and that he will never ever tell me the while truth. 

"Really?  Why are you ok with that?  Why can you tolerate him talking like that to other women and having them send him pictures and cards and things.  You have never been the one girl."

(what I should have replied)  -  I have no freaking clue.  I love him is way to stupid and overused an excuse but hell as many times as I have laughed and joked about stupid females that live like that here I am in the hot seat.

"Wait he told you that you needed to loose how much weight!!"

(what I should have respo

TBCF - Come Apart

2:00am......... I am coming apart at the seams.  Yeah I said it and I mean it.  I am.  I guess this is what some "crazy" people feel like when they say it.  I literally feel like I am spliting in halves.  Oh no not just one but several halves.  Is that even possible?  I'm becoming a half of a half of a haf and half. 
 I ponder if I should actually go into the whole dumbass story.  Dumbass being the trigger word here.  I think I should go back and bold that an underline....ok wait....ok that is better.   That is compounded by the fact that I am well of age and capeable of not letting things happen to me that are. 

Intrigued?  No ok well maybe tomorrow I'll throw off deets.

Random me fact today:  I LOVE J.R. Ward and her Louis Vuittion purse. 

BC In the First......An Intro

5:28am............The reasons???  Well they may yet reveal themselves.  Suficed to say that I am sitting in front of this screen looking for something that was lost.  The problem??  What the hell did I loose exactly.  Cliche' would say.."I lost a part of myself."  or maybe this one..."I lost a piece of my soul."  nah to corny.  "I lost my sanity?" Ok that may actually be a little closer to the truth of this matter.  I lost something.......*watching the blinking cursor*

*watching somemore*

Yeah....I lost something.  Close enough.  Introductions should be first I guess.

Name: The Black Chick 
Age: Well over consent but not yet a (and I cringe at this term)  Cougar.
Location:  The Hot ass summer in the South.

First few Random facts:  I hate my Tattoo,  I like Ketchup with salt in it, and I'm scared of the dark.

So back to the introspection.  My internal compass has been spinning and spinning and spinning out of control for a while now. I can't say I know why and I can't even remember when it started but I looked down at my naked foot the other day and couldn't figure out where I was going.  In life that is.  Nothing is as it seems to be and it appeares that what I thought was my own reality was a scripted soap opera (Badly written mind you) that stars me as the fool in the middle.  I lost something in there and I can't figure out what.  So how do I find out and then how can I find my way back to the country of In the Know? 

I guess we will find out......sometime.  Hopefully before December next year because I hear that the Anni-some one is coming back and we are all gonna perish.   That is a damn sham because I just learned how to ride a motorcycle and I love that thing.  Damn Oprah.....why couldn't I get a spot in your auidence.